Mandi's Spot

Happy Birthday Mom!

2010-10-06T08:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,
Its been 3 years that we have celebrated your birthday without you. I miss you and I love you. Things have changed in my life, as they always do. I am trying to live everyday to make you proud and although I know that sometimes I let myself down I hope that I haven't let you down. Everyones ok. There have been a lot of hard and dark days but we have made it through. . .and that is because of you. You raised us to be strong and love each other, and we are and we do. I hope that wherever you are today you know that every single day you are in our thoughts but more so you are in our hearts. Happy Birthday Mommy!

September settled softly
Leaves are starting to fall
I recall, last time you were here
Your laughter a melody that lingers still

There's a hole in my heart
And I carry it wherever I go
Like a treasure that travels with me down every road
There's this longing lonesome and deep
Kind of bitter, kind of sweet
There's a hole in my heart in the shape of you

Time stealing swiftly
Children having children of their own
And around life's merry-go round goes
And there you are wanting what you cannot hold

There's a hole in my heart
And I carry it wherever I go
Like a treasure that travels with me down every road
There's this longing lonesome and deep
Kind of bitter, kind of sweet
There's a hole in my heart in the shape of you

Even though my heart aches
There's a smile on my face
Just like a window to heaven
There's a light shining through
This hole in my heart so I carry it wherever I go
Like a treasure that travels with me down every road
There's this longing lonesome and deep
Kind of bitter, kind of sweet
There's a hole in my heart
There's a hole in my heart
There's a hole in my heart in the shape of you

Silent No More

2010-05-20T09:21:00.001-07:00

"Throughout history, it has been the inaction of those who could have acted; the indifference of those who should have known better; the silence of the voice of justice when it mattered most; that has made it possible for evil to triumph."
-Haile Selassie

Silent. That is what we are taught from a young age to do and be. We are taught to 'mind our own business' and 'not get involved'. Where is the line drawn? Are we to never get involved? We see things. We hear things and yet we remain silent. Our silence is a betrayal. A betrayal to our families. A betrayal to our country. A betrayal to our God. A betrayal to ourselves. We live everyday and ignore the things we should stand up too. Hate, prejudice, and racism are the only things that benefit from our silence.

Let me explain where this is coming from. This morning I heard a lot of buzz about a segment on ABC News called "What Would You Do." The segment sets a scene with actors in a public place to see how people would react. The first one I watched was a gay couple with two kids(all actors) in a restaurant. The couple sat down and the waiter(actor) came over to help them. Instead of doing his job he decided to make inappropriate comments to them like 'here is some fruit for the fruits', 'don't you think your kids need a Mom', 'you shouldn't be out in public', and continued on with horrible comment after horrible comment. Out of 100's of people only 8 said something. . . only 8. Now, I was upset watching this and I got to thinking 'Would I say anything?' and my answer was 'I don't know'. I would like to say that in the heat of the moment my brain and heart would takeover and I would say something but I just didn't know. I watched a few more clips and made the decision in that moment that if I ever witnessed anything that I perceived as inappropriate I would stand up and say something. I found the clips upsetting and it brought me to the point of tearing up.

I continued watching the episode and the next scenario was a mentally challenged boy bagging groceries at a store and a customer(they alternated this actor between races and gender to see the responses). The 'customer' would say things like 'I can't believe I came to the retard line', 'I can't believe they give people like that jobs', 'Your brain is to slow' again just horrid things. By the middle of these clips I was bawling because I knew even though in this case it was actors, that this happens. The good thing is that nearly everyone stood up and said something to the actor.

The next clip, and final clip, I watched was of a overweight woman sitting on a bench near a beach reading a book and a group of 3 skinny girls. The skinny girls approached her and started the normal tirade, 'Oh my god you are so fat', 'how did you let yourself get this way'. 'You're disgusting', 'Fatass', 'Hefer', 'how can you even eat?', and 'don't you own a mirror?' This was a crowded boardwalk and person after person after person just walked right past. Finally one lady stopped and told them to stop and that they were the ones with the problem. Then, of course, cameras come out and the people find out they are on tv. On this particular incident by the time the cameras came out everyone was crying. The 'fat' lady, the 3 skinny girls, and the lady who intervened. The lady who intervened said that she felt horrible for the lady because no one was saying anything or doing anything just continuing on with their lives. The others were all crying because no one cared enough to step in. The 'skinny' girls were disgusted because they HAD to keep going on and on and on until someone stopped them and they said that it got to the point where they were choking out the things because they felt so bad.

It was that final clip that drove the point home for me because I knew it was all true and does happen everyday. When I watched the first two clips I was like, 'this is horrible but no one would ever say these things for real.' I was rationalizing. I rationalized until it came with something that I was familiar with, something I have experienced. Every single word that those girl said to the 'fat' lady were all things that I have heard myself called at some point in my life. Kids are harsh but I can say it would have been nice to have someone advocate for me when names were being hurdled my way. I am going to be this person. The person who doesn't stay quiet when I see injustice.

I will not sit around idly as people are hurt and abused around me. If I see it I am vowing to step in because in this world that is what we need. We need people who are willing to step out of their comfort zones and stand up and say something because it is the right thing to do. Plain and simple. . .it's the right thing to do.

Here are some quotes that I found:

'The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis." -Dante Alighieri

'When I tell the truth, it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it, but for the sake of defending those that do."- William Blake

'Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little.' -edmund Burke

'The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing.' -Albert Einstein

'I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do. What I can do, I should do. And what I should do, by the grace of God, I will do.'- Edward Everett Hale

'A time comes when silence is betrayal.' -Martin Luther King, Jr.

'History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people.' -Martin Luther King, Jr.

'I swore never to be silent whenever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.' -Elie Weisel

My New Year

2010-03-25T10:05:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday I turned 28. . .yeah I know. Now everyone kept asking me if I felt older and the truth was no (who really ever does!?!). Sometime between the presents and dinner I had a profound realization. Now I will mention some of it but I will not go into it completely. I got to thinking how this is a true new year. I had never thought of a birthday like that before, but it is true. Your birthday is the start of a new year in your life. A year that you can make into anything you want, a true new year. After this thought went through my mind it put me into a very reflective mood. I was content, happy, and totally at ease but in the midst of the calm it became apparent about the lies I tell myself. . .the lies we all tell ourselves to make us feel better about who we are and where we are at. The truth is for the first time in a very long time (possibly ever) I felt that I deserved to be loved and I deserve to be happy. I have lived so long with a laundry list of flaws that I used as an excuse, even a justification to be miserable. The fact is that all of the bad I was holding onto was what was weighing me down. So, in fact it wasn't the circumstances or events I was going through that was holding me back it was myself. For so long I have been afraid to voice what I really want because of the fear that if I verbalized it, it most definitely would not happen. Almost like I was being punished for some catastrophic event in a past life, for years I believed my life was a punishment. Instead of getting the lesson I needed I focused on the negative. The fact is every trial, every teardrop, every heartbreak made me strong. Made me the person who sees that I am truly blessed. Today is the first day of my new year and I feel great. I am thankful for being alive. I am thankful for all of the wonderful people in my life. I am thankful for the sun and the air I breathe. I am thankful for you. But most importantly finally after 27 years I can say without sarcasm or doubt, "I am a good person and deserve good things."

Because I have too. . .

2010-03-19T07:31:00.000-07:00

It is NEW MOON DAY. . . WOOHOO!!!!

A Change is Coming 'Round

2010-03-16T09:02:00.000-07:00

Introduction-
AS my age advances and my days on this earth decrease it has finally sunk in. . .I need a change and I need one now. I am a dreamer and in my head I see my life as I want it to be. . .it wasn't until recently I realized the way I was living my life was 100% interfering with ever accomplishing those dreams I had in my head. I have, for so long, focused on taking care of everyone around me that I forgot about myself. I was raised to always put others before myself, being selfless is a good thing, to a point. It is really hard to understand where I stand unless you have been here. I have, for so many years, taken care of my family. At most times being the main provider. Now, this isn't something I asked for and it is most definitely NOT something I wanted to feel needed. You see the biggest difference is that 'feeling needed' and actually being needed are two completely different things. Any day I would take wanting to 'feel needed' to actually being needed for survival by people you love. I think my biggest problem is that I am loyal. . .yes, it can be a bad thing. I have loyalty to those I love. . .and some that I don't.

The Problem-
To further explain something, I was raised that family is the most important thing in the world. Above friends, work, or anything else, family is number one. I was also taught, possibly to my determent, that when a family member is in need you do everything in your power to help them. Now, I know that the intentions were good and my Parents never could have understood how negative this would be in my life. You see I should love being around ALL of my family, but I don't. There are certain members who I only associate with out of familial obligations. Now, that sentence is the problem. . .familial obligation. Plainly put, I let people take advantage of me. Now, I may not always seem like it but I am, in fact, a bleeding heart. I help everyone who asks for help from me. This, I believe, is a huge personality flaw. I guess when I learned the golden rule I took it to heart. I treat people the way I want to be treated. The problem I find is that a lot of the people in my life don't follow the same rule. They take, take, take and never give. Which is really sad because most of the time a simple 'Thank you' would suffice, but I rarely even get that. Instead of saying 'Thank you' they take the ignore it route. I believe in their thought process that saying thank you would make them admit that they have received help, which some people are to prideful to admit they needed.

The Solution-
I am trimming the fat in my life both metaphorically and literally. I am cutting out the people who are negative and the ingrates. There obviously will be certain people I cannot disregard, family is family, but they will have limited exposure to my life and even less involvement in my life. I am changing myself, because that is part of the problem. I am not going to stay silent anymore. I will speak up for myself and against others if need be. I will no longer be a doormat. The biggest thing is that I will no longer financially help anyone out. This has put me in a horrible position and it is not healthy for me or my future financial success. Now, there is a reason that I used the term trim the fat. . .because literally I am going to trim my fat ass. Yes, I said it. I have gained so much weight. When I look in the mirror I see a stranger. I see someone who seems hollow. The light in my eyes are gone and all that is left is a dull flicker of the person I once was. So, on here for God and everyone to read I am fighting for me. I am fighting for the life I want, because I deserve it. I deserve it. . .I can finally say it. I deserve it. I am worth becoming the person I want to be. You see those two words are hard. . .deserve. . .worth. I deserve it and so do you.

Brand New Day

2010-03-04T12:33:00.001-08:00

Some kind of magic
Happens late at night
When the moon smiles down on me
And bathes me in it’s light

I fell asleep beneath you
In the tall blades of grass
When I woke the world was new
I never had to ask

It’s a brand new day
The sun is shinning
It’s a brand new day
For the first time
In such a long long time
I know
I’ll be ok

Most kind of stories
Save the best part for last
Most stories have a hero who finds
You make your past your past
Ya you make your past your past

It’s a brand new day
The sun is shinning
It’s a brand new day
For the first time
In such a long long time
I know
I’ll be ok

This cycle never ends
Gotta fall in order to mend

And it’s a brand new day
It’s a brand new day
For the first time
Inn such a long long time
I know
I’ll be ok

Forks. . .yes I hear you.

2010-03-02T11:35:00.000-08:00

One year ago in April me and my bff ventured out on a road trip up to Washington and Oregon. It was an amazing trip and I fell in love. Washington is such a beautiful place that when it was time to leave I dreaded it. Since the trip Washington, Forks in particular, have always been on my mind. I LOVE Seattle but it didn't have half the pull that Forks ended up having for me. (note: this is not a Twilight thing and Twilight has NOTHING to do with my love for Forks although yes it was the reason we stopped there) From the minute I saw the quaint streets, the beautiful forests, the coast line (La Push) I was sold. Sitting on the porch of a little resort off the Quillayute River I felt a sense of peace. I felt completely at ease. . .happy even. This has since been the place I go back to when I need a 'happy place' Forks is my happy place.

Between work and my personal life in the last 9 years I haven't had a whole lot of peace. . .my life was (and sometimes still is) a stressful mess. So, when I say I was at peace it is a HUGE thing. More than being at peace though, I felt like I was home, only to no home that I have ever known. I normally prefer the hussle and bussle of the big city, but Forks is anything but...it is a tiny city. No fast food restaurants, one grocery store (that also doubles as clothing store), no department stores. No modern conveniences that make life fast and easy, nothing that I had always thought was one of my pre-requisites for living anywhere. When I had to leave I literally felt homesick. . . a feeling that still continues to this day. As crazy as it may sound I feel Forks calling to me. It calls to every fiber of my being and I know I have to go back. Some may not understand why I love it so much and why I have this huge need to go back. . .yes need not want. But the truth of the matter is I don't care if anyone understands because it isn't even something I fully understand myself. Anyways just had to take a few minutes to right this down because the longing was starting to become to much to bottle up.

Possibility by Lykke Li

2010-01-27T15:01:00.000-08:00

Love love this song.

There's a possibility
There's a possibility
All that I had was all I'm gonna get
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
All I wanted is gone with your stare
All I wanted is gone with your stare
So tell me when you hear my stop
You're the only one that knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There's a possibility I would't know
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Know that when you leave
Know that when you leave
By blood about me you walk like a thief
By blood about me I fall when you leave
So tell me when you hear my heart stop
You're the only one that knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There's a possibility I wouldn't know
So tell me when my sigh is over
You're the reason why I'm closed
Tell me when you hear me falling
There's a possibility it wouldn't show
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Know that when you leave
Know that when you leave
By blood about me I fall when you leave
By blood about me i follow your lead
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

A Clarification

2010-01-19T08:15:00.000-08:00

Ok, so it has come to my attention that I need to clarify my last blog. When I sat down to write the blog I had the full intention of analyzing myself and trying to get to the core of the problem. Which is something I thought I had done, but apparently it came off like I am bitter and that I despise love. The fact is, that I don't. I love, love and I love being in love. What I was trying to verbalize is that I am single because I am scared and I don't feel deserving of love. In the blog I went through the steps that got me to where I am. . .because I haven't always been here. The fact of the matter is I have trust issues, I have self esteem issues, and I am essentially a selfish person. I don't like to change who I am and I don't like dedicating my existence and happiness to someone else. So, end statement I don't hate love. . .I am just not fond of relationships.

A Completely Honest Look at Me and Relationships.

2010-01-14T08:04:00.000-08:00

I'm not looking for the right man, I'm also not looking for the wrong one. I am looking for the one that changes my heart. The one who cares enough to climb the wall I've built around me. The one who see's me, and the one who leaves me no other option but to trust in love and my heart again. I wish I could say that it's not my fault, but it is. I've made myself refuse to feel anything for anyone romantically. I have locked my heart away so securely that I am not sure that it can be found. I gave up hope in finding someone who is loyal and honest, someone who will treat my heart with care instead of like a punching bag.

My history with men is extensive yet crammed within a couple of years. That's all it took, a couple of years, for me to loose my faith and hope in relationships. I made bad choice after bad choice. Yes, everyone has bad experiences and everyone gets hurt. The difference is that instead of learning and moving away from the same kind of guys, I took took myself completely out of the game. I did it because I was terrified of being hurt again but mostly I did it out of self preservation. If you never open yourself up to love, you're never hurt by betrayal. It seemed that while in serious relationships I have loved each man with my whole heart, loved them, without a doubt, more than they loved me or so I thought. You see in my experience every single person I have ever dated has begged me to take them back at one point or another. But you see, once it is done with me, it's done. No second chances, yes some may few this as a flaw but I can't and never will. I gave my first love chance after chance after chance to prove that he wanted to be with me, and that is the final time I gave anyone a second chance. You may say that I am a bitch or unforgiving, but I am not. I forgive, hell I forgive men sooooo easily. In order to get me to the point that a second chance is needed something severe would have had to have happened, and although you may be forgiven I don't forget and I don't trust again.

I'm independent and sadly (or not) that has also been a problem. Although I enjoy being in relationships I don't think anyone is delusional enough to believe I NEED to be in one. I don't need a man to support me and I don't need a man to make me feel loved. Do I like it? Hell yes. I would have thought it would be better to be with someone because you want to be not because you need to be. Apparently men do not feel this way. They claim they do, but the don't. The want someone helpless who cries and needs them, and I don't. I have literally been broken up with because of this. Everything was great and wonderful until I wanted to do something different then him. He broke up with me because I had my own life and 'he deserves someone who needs him and although that's selfish that is what I need.' Yep, that is what he sent me. . .in an IM. I am not going to change who I am for anyone. Eventually I will find someone who embraces my independence and honesty and will love me for who I am, not who he thinks he can change me into.

The truth.

Although everything I said above is 100% true there is another truth, the biggest truth, about why I am alone. I am scared, absolutely terrified of loving again. But the truth, my truth, is that I don't feel like I deserve to be loved. I don't know what I am subconsciously holding onto, but it is something that has always been a part of me. It is the loudest part of my brain that immediately screams that I am not good enough.Everything about me pushes people away, but what people don't see is that I am not as strong as I seem. The honest truth is that I am so incredibly self-conscious that when around new people I climb into my shell, but people don't see that. I close myself off and inadvertently it sends off 'I am better than you' and it comes off like I am a major bitch, I'm not. So, this is it. The truth. No hold barred.

Waiting For Now

2010-01-08T12:15:00.000-08:00

Don't ask me who I am
Don't ask me where I stand
Don't ask me what's my plan
Cause I don't know

I'm just a planted seed
I'm not where I would like to be
I still got dreams but they're just on hold

Don't ask me to give
Don't ask me to steal
Don't ask me to love
Don't ask me to feel

This life is a haze
Are these years or are these days
Seeing the world while my eyes stay glazed

Waiting to give
Waiting to go
Waiting to live I'm waiting to know
Waiting to roam
Waiting for time
Waiting for home I'm just waiting for mine
Waiting for her
Waiting for sounds
Waiting for words I'm waiting for now
I'm just waiting for now

Don't crowd me to breathe
Don't ask me I can't speak
Don't show me I can't see
So I'll just wait
One day we'll find a nest
One day all our dreams will manifest
One day they say it will all make sense
Or will we die waiting?

Waiting to give
Waiting to go
Waiting to live we're waiting to know
Waiting to roam
Waiting for time
Waiting for home we're all waiting for signs
Waiting for her
Waiting for sounds
Waiting for words I'm waiting for now
I'm just waiting for now

What I am thankful for. . .

2009-12-22T10:09:00.001-08:00

At the close of every year and during the Christmas season especially I can't help but to be thankful. This year I decided to blog about it.

First, and foremost I am thankful for Heavenly Father. I know that I do not talk about faith very often or spout off any kind of testimony but I cannot help but to be thankful to Heavenly Father for his love and compassion that I have felt, not only throughout the year, but throughout the last month.

I am so thankful and grateful that my wonderful Father was strong enough to make it through the problems he had. He really is strong man and although it may sound weird I think the problems he went through made us closer. It also made me appreciate him and made me realize how much I do love him. Next, I am thankful for my brothers who have stood by my side through thick and thin and have never once judged me for anything I do or how I live my life. Although they piss me off occasionally I am truly blessed to have 2 brothers who I know that I can always turn to, no matter what, and that they will support and love me and never put me down.

Missy, my BFF, my sister. What can I say about my BFF? She has stood by my side, made me laugh when I wanted to cry, and shared a kind word when I needed one. I am so thankful for her and I do believe our friendship is a gift from God. I know that without her I would have fallen and never made it through all of the things I have had to get through. Before I met her I never knew the joys of sisterhood and although we aren't sisters by blood, we are sisters by choice and I believe that is a bond that will last forever.

Ross and my job. Although I bitch about Ross and all of the stress he puts me under I am truly thankful that he is in my life. I am thankful for my work that provides me with the life I lead.

My extended family. Grandma, Uncle Brett, Ally, Uncle Randy, Kim, Brookelyn, Stanton, Ryan, Justin, Sean, Tonya, Xander,
Jess, Greg, Todd, and Tiffini. Although some of you are a pain in the ass, I love you all. Your constant support and caring words do matter to me. Although some of you know me better than others I do love you all and I know that I was incredibly blessed when God blessed me with you as my family.

Chad. I am thankful for you. I am thankful that you are always there and always listen to me, even when I know sometimes you would rather not. You are a true friend and I am incredibly thankful for you. And you. . .Shaun. I am thankful for you, too. I am glad that you are always around to make me laugh. You both are such amazing people.

My kitty Seth, I miss you living with me and love you. Jackie Poo. I love ya little guy. . .even though your a pain in the ass.

Ok so I think that is about it. Wait no it's not. . .

Mom. I don't know how I could have almost left you off this. I miss you every single minute, of every single day. Lately I will pick up my phone to call you, it is only when I have started the call, that I remember that you won't be there. You think after this long that it would have stuck that you're gone, but it hasn't. Most days it still feels like losing you was a nightmare but on the same hand having you here feels like a dream. A dream I never wanted to wake up from. You are always in my heart. . .Always.

Why Christmas is Special to me. . .

2009-12-01T14:45:00.000-08:00

Every year I hear how stingy and selfish people are around this time of the year. Yes, I can see it but I choose not to focus on it. Christmas has NEVER been about gifts to me, Christmas is about love and Christmas is about sharing and expressing to the people you love that in fact, you do love them. It's a feeling in my heart that makes me happy. It's a memory of the past Christmas's and all of the love that my family has shared over the years. It's a time when I remember and celebrate the life of our loved ones that have passed on and it is the time when I feel closest to my Mom. She showed me what the true spirit of this holiday is and if any Scrooge could have spent 1 Christmas with her there is no way they could walk away not affected. My Mom understood and taught us what true love was and more than that she taught us how to show it. She showed us that it isn't just about loving those who are close to us, but loving everyone and seeing the good in everything and everyone around us. But most of all she taught us the what true giving is. The best Christmas I have ever had sticks out in my mind and it wasn't because of the presents I received but because the lesson my Mom taught us. Let me tell you:

This particular year my brothers and I all seemed to be pretty busy being selfish. Writing lists of what we thought we deserved. . .not what we needed but what in our minds we felt entitled too. It didn't take a genius to figure out we wouldn't be getting everything on our super extensive Christmas lists because the amount of presents under the tree did not amount to the number of requested gifts. That year on Christmas Eve we went for our normal drive to see the Christmas lights but this time while driving my Mom told us of a family that we knew that would not be celebrating Christmas because they did not have the money too. She proceeded to tell us the position that they were in and some of the tragic events that their family was dealing with. By the end of her story we were parked at Wal-Mart at this point she took our lists out and gave us the choice. We could get everything on our lists or we could go into Wal-Mart and we could buy gifts for a family who NEEDED them. My brothers and I chose to give up our gifts and buy things for that family. That evening we snuck up to the door with a huge bag full of presents, we set it down, rang the door bell and ran. We watched from the bushes as the father answered the door, and seeing the bag came out to inspect it. After opening it, in what he thought was a private moment we watched him cry. He then called his family out to see the presents and the gratitude and look on their faces was more than I could have ever asked for. You see we didn't just give them presents we gave them hope and in giving them hope we started a tradition. In one night my parents taught us a lesson that would last all of these years and that is that Christmas is more than gifts and receiving; It is about being more Christlike and lending a helping hand to our fellow man.

That is why I love Christmas. That is how I ignore the selfishness that does happen. For one time during the year I focus on all of the good things and the blessings in my life. I see people as good and I feel the spirit of joy.

To all those reading this know that you are in my heart this year and every year and my wish for you is that you remember why you put up the tree and celebrate. Merry Christmas!

Live. . . Laugh. . .Love

2009-10-27T09:53:00.000-07:00

Live
If you would have asked me a year or two ago what I had to live for the answer would have been simple, nothing. I was in a very dark place and I wasn't sure I could find my way out, I was patiently waiting for 'the light at the end of the tunnel'. Which never came. At some point I decided that no one was going to rescue me and at this point I had to make the decision to save myself. It wasn't easy but it truly was the best thing for me. Pulling myself out of the darkness was the hardest and most liberating thing I have ever done. There was no one else that I relied onto help me, just me. I proved to myself that I was strong enough to get through it. Now, I am not saying my life is easy or I am a happy go lucky gal, it is not and I never have been. . . but what I am saying is that I am living. Now, some may judge my life and ask what kind of life it is and to them I say it is mine and it is a work in progress. I still have my down days when I am lonely to the core and retreat into myself but they are becoming fewer and farther apart. I really think that the dark patch was there to make me see that I am strong and that I can get through anything. I am alive, I am living, and I am happy!

Laugh

Laughing. . .something we all take for granted. When I decided to write this blog and cut it into 3 separate sections I was not sure what I was going to put in this section. So, I thought Laugh. . .huh what makes me laugh, who makes me laugh? The answer to both was B. Davis, my best friend, my sister. B. Davis is one of the best people I know and one of the most funny (ask her she will tell you she is funny). But beyond that when we became friends I believe she was the answer to a prayer I had yet to make. She has helped me in so many ways that I cannot even begin to go into. She has been the best best friend and if I could ask for one thing, it would be that she would find all the happiness that this life has to offer. And B. Davis if you could see what everyone else sees in you, you would never doubt yourself or feel less then you are.

Love

Worthy of being loved. . .that is what my name means. The irony is astounding, especially for someone who believes completely the opposite. I will start by saying I have been in deep passionate love and it was great, or at least the memory of said love was. The truth is I have not been open to receiving love for a very long time. At times, I truly question whether or not I can romantically love anyone. I am sure I can. I have a list of issues with love but I think my biggest obstacle is trusting someone and letting them in. I will be the first to say that I do not do this anymore with, well. . .anyone. This is why I do not have a ton of new friends and why I have social anxiety (I think anyway). I am terrified of putting myself out there (like I am now! Writing this seems to be pretty hard. . .I guess telling the truth about our biggest flaws always is!) and having it thrown back in my face, of falling for someone only to be decimated. Having written it down, I can now recognize the immaturity of it, but like I said I am a WORK IN PROGRESS. There is a quote that I love. "You will never know love until you surrender to it" I think I am ready to surrender to love, to see that I am worthy of love and I deserve love.

Movie Quotes that Matter. . .to me. . .

2009-09-24T12:10:00.000-07:00

"The hardest thing is loving someone and having the courage to let them love you back."
-The Wedding Date

"I love this spot, it's like heaven right here on earth, maybe that's what heaven is, maybe we go through life collecting people and places we love and they become in our heaven and that's where you mom is, she in her heaven surrounded by everything that she loves... including you"
-Here on Earth

"Some of the best things in life are total mistakes."
-Paycheck

"It's a wonderful thing, as time goes by, to be with someone who looks into your face, when you've gotten old, and still sees what you think you look like."
-The Bachelor

"Beauty Consultant. I advise women on their lipstick, base and eye liner. (to Japanese businessmen) But you should all know about make-up. Your wives must be geishas."
-Muriel's Wedding

"Hearts will never be practical, until they are made unbreakable."
-The Wizard of Oz

"I would rather have tasted her lips just once, touched her skin, one time, and made love to her for one night, than spend the rest of my life without ever knowing that."
-City of Angels

"Loss has been part of my journey, but it also taught me what was precious."
-Message in a Bottle

"I’ve kissed a guy... I’ve kissed guys. I just haven’t felt that thing.... That thing... that moment when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy, and the only thing in focus is you and this person. And you realize that that person is the only person you’re supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. And you wanna laugh and you wanna cry, ‘cause you feel so lucky that you’ve found it, and so scared that it’ll go away all at the same time."
-Never Been Kissed

"I'd rather die tomorrow than live a hundred years without knowing you."
-Pocahontas

"I guarantee there’ll be tough times; I guarantee that at some point, one, or both of us is gonna wanna get out of this thing; But I also guarantee, that if I don’t ask you to be mine, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life... because I know in my heart, that you’re the only one for me."
-Runaway Bride

"There is nothing sadder in this life than to watch someone you love walk away after they have left you. To watch the distance between your two bodies expand until there is nothing left but empty space... and silence."
-Someone Like You

"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion... love actually is all around."
-Love Actually

"You ask a serious question, I'll give you a serious answer: Happy enough. I don't expect much. I don't get much, I don't give much. I generally enjoy whatever comes along. That's my answer for you, summed up for your feminine consideration. I'm happy enough."
-Waitress

"First, I must tell you I've been the most unmitigated and comprehensive ass."
-Pride and Prejudice

"Just some guy she met at the gym with Brad Pitt's face and Jesus' abs."
-500 Days of Summer

"If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on."
-Pride and Prejudice

"Y'know, I've come across a lot of psychos, but none as fucking boring as you. You are a real boring fuck. Sorry, sorry, I know you disapprove of swearing so I'll sort that out. You are a boring F, star, star, CUNT!"
-In the Loop

"Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you'll find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding, but theres also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing beside you all along."
-Bride Wars

"Dear Baby, I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness in it."
-Waitress

"Resolution #1: uggg - will obviously lose 20 lbs. #2: always put last night's panties in the laundry basket. Equally important: will find nice sensible boyfriend and stop forming romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workoholics, sexaholics, commitment-phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, or perverts. Will especially stop fantasizing about a particular person who embodies all these things."
-Bridget Jones Diary

"Rufus: He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name - wars, bigotry, televangelism. But especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it.
Bethany: Having beliefs isn't good?
Rufus: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't generate. Life becomes stagnant.:
-Dogma

I know the Truth

2009-08-10T10:08:00.000-07:00

How did I come to this?
How did I slip and fall?
How did I throw half a lifetime away
Without any thought at all?

This should have been my time
It's over, it never began
I closed my eyes to so much for so long
and I no longer can

I try to blame it on fortune
Some kind of shift in a star
But I know the truth and it haunts me
it's flown just a little too far
I know the truth and it mocks me
I know the truth and it shocks me
It's flown just a little too far.

Why do I want him still?
Why when there's nothing there?
How to go on with the rest of my life
To pretend I don't care
This should've been my time
It's over-It never began
I closed my eyes to so much for so long
and I no longer can

I try to blame it on fortune
Some kind of twist in my fate
But I know the truth and it haunts me
I learned it a little too late

Oh I know the truth and it mocks me
I know the truth and it shocks me
I learned it a little too late
Too late

Unanswered Prayers

2009-08-05T12:01:00.000-07:00

I started this blog a couple of different times, each time starting and highlighting a different subject, but nothing seemed to flow. As I was typing the entry for the blog that I deleted before this, it stuck me what I should write about. I want to first say that I believe in the power of prayer. I believe that prayer is here more for our own sanity then actually linking us to Heavenly Father. Prayer makes us feel less powerless, it makes us feel in a hopeless situation that there is hope, but most of all it helps us. Most people expect that if they live a certain way or do certain things, that they will get everything they ask for. I believe, and through my experience have seen, that you can not barter with God. He knows more than we do and because of that only gives us things we needs and only answers the things we MUST know to continue our journey.

I remember as a child being terrified of my Mom dying. As a child (around 4. This is my earliest memory) I literally remember asking Heavenly Father to take me before he took her. I think in a way we are all predisposed to knowing what our hardest trials will be. I remember my Mom telling me once that her entire life she had been terrified of getting kidney failure and that is what she ended up dying from. I truly believe that we are given a "Sixth Sense" (if you will) that prepares us our whole life for these moments. Looking back having this fear of losing my Mom helped prepare me, in a way, for when she did pass. Now, it didn't make it easier but 20 years of mentally thinking about it at least made it so I could get through it. I truly believe any earlier and I wouldn't have made it through. I remember up until the week my Mom died begging God to take me instead. The day before my Mom died I stopped asking for us to trade places and I asked him to take her if that was his will. I couldn't see her in pain and struggle to live any longer and so I begged him to take her and make it quick because I was not strong enough to spend another week or even another day watching her fight. The next day she woke up and in a lucid moment asked us to let her go. Within an hour and half she was gone. This was a moment that I knew God was there and listening and he gave me what I truly needed. So, in the end after all of the begging he finally did answer my prayer just not in the way I had originally wanted. I sometimes think that we cannot accept knowing that someone knows better than us. We think that because it is 'our' life or 'our' situation everything should go according to our plan. The truth (according to me) is that our lives do go according to a plan; but it is a plan far more important than the plan we have for ourselves. Our Heavenly Father knows us and knows our limits and provides for us accordingly. So, I guess my point is that when you pray thank God for all of the things you wanted that went unanswered, because the 'unanswered' prayers are the ones that made us who we are.

A New Perspective

2009-07-21T10:53:00.000-07:00

This morning has been one of those days, while in the midst of doing a fiscal report I found that my brain was disconnecting and I was blindly trying to solve a financial error. Now, I don't know how many of you are in the business world but trying to solve anything finance related when your mind isn't on point is like trying to hit a free throw in basketball with your hands tied behind your back. . .it just doesn't work. So as I sat looking at the same numbers over and over and trying to figure out where the error occured it occured to me that I needed to step away from the numbers and get a change of perspective. I stopped looking at my reports and started looking at quotes (something I do whenever I need a change in my perspective) and I found this quote:

"Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather make me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one come along."

Now, most days I would have passed over this but today it stopped me. It struck me how something so simply put could ring so true in my life. I don't let a lot of people in my heart so when you finally get past all of trust issues, fear of rejection, commitment issues, and common sense, you stay in my heart forever. Not many get past the huge wall I have built around myself. . .I think in my life there have only been 3 guys who have successfully seen me without any barriers. You may ask what this has to do the quote well in every 'real' and meaningful relationship I have ever been in I have tried so hard to hold on to it. Another one of my favorite quotes is: 'Sometimes we hang on when we should just let go'. It has taken me a lot of time to let go of these men. I think I have finally gotten to the point where i have forgotten what it was to be ' so and so's girlfriend' and all the feeling associated with that. And how does this quote apply? Because it is true, 100% true. Losing them didn't make me cynical it truly did make me realize how great it will be to hold on to the RIGHT man instead of clinging to the wrong one.

2009-07-20T13:34:00.000-07:00

The weekend is over and it went so well. So well, in fact, that I am almost surprised. I had sooo much fun playing with the kiddos. Xander was so stinkin cute and we ended up playing tag and tickle monster for nearly the whole night. Kids are so much fun!!!! The BBQ turned out premo, with my bros manning the grill. Next step is a housewarming party for friends. . .which I am not sure it is considered a housewarming because we aren't asking for stuff. . .hmmm oh well we will still call it house warming. I will have some picture on here sometime soon to exhibit. After the weekend it just makes me appreciate, all the more, my family (this includes you b. Davis). It was pretty much a family weekend with the BBQ on Friday, my cousin Todd's b-day party on Saturday, and my weekly dinner with my brothers on Sunday. It was a really great weekend!

How will I ever get done. . .

2009-07-17T09:50:00.001-07:00

So, I can't seem to focus on work today so I thought I would write this and get my concerns out. It seems at the current moment I am having some anxiety. Ya see, tonight I am going to be having my entire family (about 20-25 people) over for a BBQ at my new house. You may be asking why I am having anxiety, well let me tell you. . .I just moved into a new house that is beautiful! I spent yesterday cleaning everything to make sure that it was spotless but I am still not ready. I have to do all the prep work for dinner and I have to work until 4 and it is at 6. It is a good thing my BF is coming to help or else I would NEVER be ready! I think the main thing causing anxiety is that it will be my first time hosting a dinner with that many people. It should be fine, but all the 'what if's' and worst case scenerios keep running through my head! Ok I think I am ok now. . .just had to talk it out.

A Time for Celebration and Rememberance

2009-07-03T09:08:00.000-07:00

The 4th of July is a time for celebration and remembering to be thankful for all that we have. It is a great time to get together with loved ones and have fun. Since 2006 this holiday has not become a super happy time. It becomes a time when I remember a friend who left us by choice on July 6th. Three years have passed and although my loss isn't as severe or even in the same realm as most, I do miss him. I have spent a lot of time going over ever detail of that day, things I should have picked up on, things that were out of the ordinary, and there were things. Granted none of them are things that would have ever led me to believe that from the last moment I saw him to less than six hours later he would be dead. I go over all of the things I should have said, I should have been nicer, I should have shown him that I appreciated him, and at some point I wish I would have told him that he mattered. The biggest thing is that on that day when he walked me to my car (which was something he NEVER had done before) and he said "Goodbye Amanda" (which was another things that was incredibly odd normally it was normally a nod and "I'll see ya later') and when he was walking away and he looked back I wish I would have done something, even just wave. Ya, see the thing is I knew something was off. I could feel something was wrong, but I did nothing. I didn't want to be nosey so I let him walk away. Now, I am not saying that I could have changed the outcome, because I don't think I could have, but I wish every single day that I could go back to that moment and try. I also know that we as humans have to tell ourselves that 'it wouldn't have changed anything' but I don't know that. I don't think there will be a moment in my life when I don't wonder and there will never be another time that I ignore my intution like that. If his death taught me anything it was, to never be afraid to let the people you love know that you love them. If your reading this you are probably one of those people to me, so let me take this chance to say that I appreciate all of you and I love you.

Here is one of my favorite sayings, it is fitting and for today this is dedicated in the memory of all of the loved ones that are with us and those that have left us.

People so seldom say, 'I love you' that when they finally do, it is either to late or the love has changed. But when I say, 'I love you' it doesn't mean you'll never leave, it only means I wish you didn't have to.

2009-07-02T14:55:00.001-07:00

This is something that was passed on from a friend and it is excellent!

On this day of your life, I believe God wants you to know. . .

That you need not be concerned about money.

Be concerned instead about joy.

How much joy are you experiencing in this moment? How much joy are you bringing to this moment?

The joy you experience will be the joy you bring.

If you are waiting for joy to be brought to you, you do not understand what you are doing here.

If you think that joy has anything to do with money, you really do not understand what you are doing here.

There is a person waiting right now, right this very moment, for you to uplift them. Do that. . .and you will be rich.

Que Sera, Sera

2009-06-30T08:30:00.000-07:00

Whatever will be, will be.

I have spent a lot of time lately worrying about things that I can't change and stressing and sometimes freaking out about them. A couple of weeks ago a lot of changes went down at my work all while I was out sick. I am a control freak so the fact that I was not there was driving me insane. I lay in bed feeling like I was dying, while being completely stressed about what was going on elsewhere. On the second or third day of me not getting any better, I realized that the stress and anxiety I was causing myself was only making me feel worse. So, at that moment the old adage came to my mind- 'Que Sera, Sera'. I stepped back from the situation and let the pieces fall where they may, I couldn't do anything about it or smooth things over so I just let it go. Things turned out just fine at work, like they usually do, but the lesson was etched into my mind. Every situation that has popped up since I have taken to 'Whatever will be, will be.' and I haven't stressed and surprise everything has turned out fine.

I have always been a believer that things happen for a reason and almost everything turns out the way it is meant to. Now, I know there are people that have problems with this philosophy and I am not asking you to accept it. I am simply saying that for me I have spent years worrying. . .worrying about my Mom, worrying about money, worrying about friends, worrying about family, worrying about bills, worrying about work, worrying about pretty much everything and anything and it changed who I am. I went from being happy and content to constantly anxious, subdued, depressed, and introverted. I went from being an optimist to a realist, and although sometimes I take pride in being a realist the majority of the time it saddens me. I wish I could still see the world as I did before 2001, but I can't turn back all I can do is move forward and that is what I am doing. Now, I am not saying that I won't worry anymore because I will, but I will no longer worry about things I cannot change or do not directly affect me. I will not let circumstances change me.

Que Sera, Sera is an adage deeply rooted in having faith. I have knowledge that I do not understand why things are the way they are, but I do have faith that all things turn out the way they are supposed to. Everything, every situation, every person turns out the way it should. Everything works itself out so why give myself an ulcer worrying about it? Instead of spending my time worrying I am going to spend my time cultivating myself and my interests and becoming a better person. . .because that is what this life is about.

2009-06-22T13:13:00.001-07:00

I am not going to preface this by pretending that I have been a positive person as of late, because that would be a lie. Having stated that let me now preface this by saying that I am a realist. . .usually. However lately I have been a complete pessimist. I have only seen the negative in every situation and in the people around me. I never really realized how much negative energy effects every aspect of your life. The last month has been one of the worst. I have been down and I have also been sick consistently. I have struggled with having migraines at least twice a week and I have had virtually no energy. Today as I was sitting at my desk I began to wonder if my negative attitude is causing my headaches. Well I had the beginning of an epiphany this morning. The way I perceive outside events is determined by how I am feeling on the inside. I have been struggling a lot with who my life's direction, instead of embracing my life.

My truth is that I am not a traditional person and the constant pressure to squeeze into a cookie cutter of what other people think I should be or want has weighed me down for far to long. Here is the fact I am not ready for marriage and I am not sure I ever will be. I am tired of being asked when I will settle down, the fact is I am settled. I am a 27 year old, independent woman. I pay my bills, I have a job and a paycheck people would kill for, I support my family, and I will soon have my own house (not own it but it will be mine alone until August *fingers crossed*). I don't know how much more settled I can be! I guess it goes with the classification of being settled, I don't equate marriage or a relationship as being settled. I guess when it comes down to it, I don't need a man to be by my side to make me feel like I am a complete person and don't say I don't understand because I am not in a relationship or married I am pretty sure I met the man that 'completed' me when I was 16. The truth is I am already complete and when I open myself up to love and it happens, it will be a great addition but it won't complete me.

Another truth is that I will be soon continuing on a journey that terrifies me. I will be going back to school (that doesn't scare me) and continuing on to Med School (that terrifies me). I am scared that I have waited to long, that I am to old, and that I am not smart enough. Although I am scared I honestly believe it is my true calling in life. I feel that I have a natural instinct for medicine and it is in my nature to take care of people. I don't know how long it will take me to actually get to Medical School especially since I won't be able to take full time classes and all classes I take will be out of pocket. But hey I may be a doctor by retirement age! Ok so that is 2 blogs in one day and I don't think I could type anymore if I tried so yeah. . .bye.

Guide to Being Supportive

2009-06-08T11:12:00.000-07:00

This morning as I was sitting at my desk and trying to get motivation to work. . .it never came. As I was sitting there I saw my Mom's picture that I keep on my desk, and it occurred to me how odd it is to talk to someone after a parent has died (don't ask why I thought this because I have no clue) as the day progressed my best friend emailed me, telling me her friends Dad died and she was not sure what to say to him. Thinking more about this subject I decided to write this blog, now I don't pretend to be an expert. However, I do have an odd perspective on death with having so many loved ones die, so close together. So, below I have put together a sort of guide with dealing with friends who have just had a loss.

The first thing is don't keep asking what happened and if the person is ok. This seems like a safe and easy question and one that is asked out of love and concern but after the person has been asked 50 times in an hour what happened or if they are ok it gets to be a little bit annoying. Let me just get this out there. . .What happened? The person died. end of discussion, it is new and painful so just avoid this question. (even though it is human nature) Next, Are they ok? No. Period. When asked this question you feel like you should say yes but the truth is no. No your not ok. No, you don't know when you will be ok. No, you don't know if you will ever be ok again.

Next thing- don't ask if they are kidding when they tell you. I know this one seems a little odd but it does get asked. People don't joke about these kinds of things so just take them seriously the first time around.

The most important one I can think of is DON'T ever say you know what they are going through. If the person who has just lost someone has lost a friend and you have also lost a friend, then you can say it. If the person has just lost a parent and you have never lost a parent DO NOT say you know how they are feeling or what they are going through. You don't. It doesn't matter if you have lost someone who was like a Mom/Dad, someone who was close to you it isn't the same and it is really upsetting to hear it. Losing a parent is the hardest thing any person has to go through and it literally feels like a part of you dies with them so your not only dealing with the loss of someone who was a central figure in your life, you are also dealing with the death of that portion of you. If you think this sounds extreme, then it is pretty certain you haven't experienced this kind of loss. Now, I want to make this really clear this expression (I know how you feel) should not be used even in the monthes following. It feels condescending and hurtful and I cannot tell you how many times people said this to me and it got to the point (with people who have both parents alive) where I wanted to scream.

Now that I have gone into what not to say, let me tell you what is ok. It is ok to say you're sorry. Yes, it may seem stupid but you are expressing your sorrow with the situation not particularly apologizing because the person died. It is ok to offer you're support and let the person in question now you are there for them if they need anything. (however if you are close to the person make sure you actually call or text them every once in awhile or it is just empty offer).

The most important thing is that you are there to support them whether you knew the person that died or not. I can tell you that when my Mom died all of my close friends were at her funeral and my Best Friend held my hand as I held my Mom's hand as she took her final breaths. I cannot even express how thankful to my friends I will forever be. That was one of the hardest days and having them there to hug me made it a little easier. Now, were they comfortable? Probably not, because only one or two of them had ever met my Mom, but they put there feelings aside and showed up and the time I needed them the most. That is why this is the most important thing, yeah family is usually around but when the person is a parent or a family member everyone in that family is dealing with the loss and you need your friends.

****Everyone responds different to tragedy and there are some that will read this and totally disagree and that is fine. This is just my opinion and I hope it does help someone.

Vacation

2009-05-20T12:48:00.000-07:00

As a lot of you know I recently returned from a wonderful road trip up to Seattle and down the Washington and Oregon coast. Now, I have always had a soft spot in my heart for Oregon. I went there a couple of years back and drove down the coast with my family. I felt at peace and that is part of the reason why above NYC, Cabo, San Diego or any of the other places I had been to Newport, OR was my favorite. I remembered the beauty of the coast and the calm that I felt listening to the waves lap the shore and since then I have always wanted to go back. Well this past April I got my chance. My BFF, Melissa and I went on a road trip. We started in SLC and drove as far as we could the first day which actually put us in Pendleton, OR. It was a nice quaint little town with a buttload of one way roads. . .sooooo annoying. The next morning we woke up early to get our start to Seattle, within a couple of hours we were driving down a canyon and entering Seattle. I cannot even explain to you the beauty that is the city of Seattle. It was AMAZING. After spending one day there I had officially fallen in love with the pacific northwest. We had a good time in Seattle, even though we were only there for a day. We went to the top of the Space Needle ate at an incredibly overpriced restuarant and started a journey to British Columbia, which was quickly abandoned once we found out it was 3 hours away. The next time I am up there I will definetely be heading to Canada.

After our one day in Seattle we headed out to the coast to Forks (yeah hold back your laughter). The drive was absolutely breathtaking. Between the forests and a little place called Lake Crescent I was sure that I had died and gone to heaven. We made it to Forks, not exactly knowing what to expect. Yes, we had both read all of the Twilight books and saw the movie (which BTW was not filmed there) but I want to to exaggerate the fact that, that is NOT why we were staying in Forks. . .ok not the whole reason. The minute we drove into the quaint picturesque town we noticed right away that the place had gone Twilight crazy! If you think that I like Twilight. . .well you have never been to Forks. There devotion makes me look like I hate it. Anyways, we drove through the town and finally decided to find our little resort. After about 10 minutes of driving (nearly to La Push) we came upon our hotel. At first, I was disappointed because it was alot smaller than I thought. That disappointment lasted about a minute until we reached the resort and got out of the care. The Quilayute River Resort is beautiful and now I consider it my happy place. Our little cottage overlooked the Quilayute River or the Cul du Sac (depending on where you are I guess) and it was in the middle of the forest. I can never fully explain how at peace and at home I felt there.
After begrudgingly leaving Forks we made our way down to La Push which was only a couple of minutes away. First Beach was awesome! The whole damn area was just amazing. We loved every second we got to spend there. I just can't wait to go back!
From there we drove down to Astoria, OR. Now, Astoria is a pretty place but if you are headed that was please heed some advice. BE CAREFUL WHERE YOU STAY. We stayed in the Riverside Motel which was a dump. Literally they did not have hot water. Needless to say our lodging experience pretty much ruined Astoria for me. (or maybe the fact that I had to leave Forks did. . .who knows) I had a very very hard time enjoying any part of Astoria but I am assuming under different circumstances it probably is pretty awesome place to stay, I am not going to waste time loading pictures up because. . .well I don't want to.
For me leaving Astoria couldn't come soon enough. We ventured down to St. Helens (where Twilight was filmed. . .yes you can laugh now) and took a mini tour of the filming locations. It was cool and St. Helens is pretty. We still had to make it to Portland at a reasonable time so we drove into Portland. Now, I love Portland it is beautiful but one thing I learned is that it is NOT a wonderful place to drive if you arent accompanied by someone who has lived there. So, here we are driving around, getting lost, me talking to my brother (who had lived in Portland) trying to get to our hotel when we realize it is to early to check in. So, my brother being the cool guy he is, suggests that we take a drive up to Multnomah Falls. We debated and the finally decided to go and we were pretty damn glad we did. One word- AWESOME! We hiked up to the falls and it was sooooooo much fun and soooo pretty.
We headed back to Portland from there and stayed in a 5 Star hotel, which was totally cool. From there we headed down the coast and it was pretty amazing but I don't really feel like posting anymore about it. All you need to know is that Washington makes everywhere else feel like a dump!

Moving.. .

2009-02-04T14:15:00.000-08:00

Hey All!
As you can see I have moved my blog from MySpace to here. All of the blogs below are older. If you have read them keep checking back new ones will be posted soon, if not read on!

My Aunt

2009-02-04T14:14:00.001-08:00

Yesterday. . .marked the 2 year anniversary of my Aunt's death. I cannot begin to summarize my Aunts life in a blog, nor can I condense what my Aunt meant to me. I was lucky and no amount of pain will ever make me feel differently. My Aunt was one of the best people I have ever known. . .she was one of the best people a lot of people have ever known. She was caring and kind and she had a laugh that could bring a smile to anyone's face. She knew how to love and she taught everyone around her, as did my Mom, what truly loving a person meant. I don't know how these holes in my families heart will ever heal. I don't know if they are meant to. Maybe the holes remind us of how tender life is. Maybe the holes teach us what love is. Maybe they are the only way that our lives can go on, because if there were no holes that would mean that their lives meant less. So I will carry my holes with care and let them remind me that they are there in my heart because at one time they were here in our lives.

Heaven was Needing a Hero

2009-02-04T14:13:00.000-08:00

To my Mom:

I came by today to see you
I just had to let you know
If I knew the last time that I held you was the last time
I'd have held you, and never let go

Oh, it's kept me awake nights, wondering
I lie in the dark, just asking why
I've always been told
You won't be called home
Untill it's your time

I guess heaven was needing a hero
Somebody just like you
Brave enough to stand up
For what you believe
And follow it through
When I try to make it make sense in my mind
The only conclusion I come to
Is heaven was needing a hero
Like you

I rember the last time I saw you
Oh, you held your head up proud
I laughed inside
When I saw how you were standing out in the crowd
Your such a part of who I am
Now that part will just be void
No matter how much I need you now
Heaven needed you more

Cause heaven was needing a hero
Somebody just like you
Brave enough to stand up
For what you believe
And follow it through
When I try to make it make sense in my mind
The only conclusion I come to
Is heaven was needing a hero
Like you

Is Heaven was needing a hero
and that's you

Life and Complainers

2009-02-04T14:12:00.000-08:00

As I sit at my desk I feel as though I should be relieved. My depression has eased and I am alive for another day. I think that we all get so caught up in who we are and what we THINK affects us that we disregard the importance of just being. Everyone has problems and everyone learns to deal with them. I think the thing I am the most sick of is the people who think they have it worse than anyone else and their lives are constantly in a state of turmoil. I find that the people who complain about their lives and their situations the most are usually the people that have little to complain about. I also find that the people who complain the absolute most are the people who have put themselves in whatever situation they are in. I find it hard to even show the remotest of pity for these people.

I watched my Mom die for 6 long years and her battle was long and hard and she struggled more than any other person I have ever met, and though she could have rightful felt sorry for herself she didn't. Her illness was not something that she chose or a decision she made, but she lived with it and died with it without once uttering a complaint. I remember her struggle and I can still remember the pain she went through and I think that is why I have become hardened to sharing pity for trivial things. Life is a gift and maybe one day the people who complain the most can open their eyes and see that life is what it is, decision are there to be made not complained about, and pity is something that should be given sparingly.

What Matters to Me. . .

2009-02-04T14:11:00.000-08:00

I am old today not in years but in who I am. I think within the last couple of years I have had to grow up more than most. I don’t care about the trivial things and I have come to realize what really matters to me, in my life. It isn’t about money and it isn’t about who your dating. It is about who has your back. I have learned in my life, that life is not a popularity contest and although you may be acquainted with tons of people how many of those could you call on if a family member died, and of those how many would show up to hold your hand and wipe your tears? (funny how short the list gets, isn’t it?!?) I know because it happened to me and the people who showed up on that day are my true friends.

Friends are great but to me it is and always will be about family. I have been blessed with the best family. I have 2 brothers and a Dad who would walk through fire if it saved from feeling one once of pain. I have a Grandma who supports and understands me through everything. I have an Uncle and Aunt that can cheer me up during everything and I have 6 wonderful cousins who, even though they are incredibly busy, always are there to extend a comforting hand or a laughable quip.

So, even though I am not rich and even though I am not popular. I am one of the luckiest people in the world because the people who are still in my world I don’t have to doubt. I know that they love me and I know that they will support me in every decision I make. Afterall isn’t that all that truly matters in life?

Blogs about my Mom.

2009-02-04T14:03:00.000-08:00

Two Years. . .

I thought things would get easier the more time passed. Two year 730 days, 17520 hours and not one of those hours went passed without me thinking of my Mom. I miss her with every breathe and with every fiber of my being. What more can I say?

One Year going on a thousand

So the dreaded day has arrived. It is one year today that my Mom died. I don't know how to explain how I feel. I have spent this whole year trying my hardest not to feel anything, but today my strength doesn't seem to be holding. There are so many reasons I love my Mom and so many more reasons why I miss her. She was home to me and since she has been gone I haven't been able to find the feeling that comes with being home. She was my best friend and even during the teen years when you are supposed to hate your parents, I never did. I went to her with every problem and she guided me more than I think any other person could ever. She was my strength and courage always providing that little extra push and inspiration to follow my heart.With her died a part of me. I know on this day that I can no longer be numb, I need to face my life. She died so I could move on with my life. I know that must sound crazy to all of you who didn't know her, but it is true. She let go so I could get on with my life. So on this black tuesday I will embrace my Mom's wonderful legacy and remember her smile, her laugh, and her funny way of making up new words. I will shed tears and I will at some point feel like I cannot go on, but if she taught me anything it is that I can make it through this and that she showed me what true strength is. I can go on because I know that she taught me how to love and she showed me everyday what true and pure love really is. So for today I leave you.

I love you Mom.
Love your sunshine.

My Mom died on Monday. My Mom was and has always been my closest confidant someone I could always talk to. I was so lucky because unlike some Moms I could tell my Mom everything and she wouldnt judge me or get too mad. She had a rare quality that made everything better. When she smiled it would light up any room. When she laughed it made you smile. She was funny, smart, and witty. She was hilirious to listen to. She made my life worth living. Now that she is gone I feel like half of my heart has been ripped out and I dont think I will ever be whole again. I really dont know how I am going to make it without her.

I wish I could release what I am feeling or at least put it into words. How can one explain what losing their heart feels like? You can't so I won't even try. My life will continue on and I will eventually feel better. My Mom had been sick such a long time and I know she held on until she knew we would be as ready as we would ever be. My Mom was kind and giving and even when I knew it was coming to an end and she was suffering, she still tried to act like she wasnt in as much pain as we knew she was in. As her last act of unselfishness she woke up and told us she was ready to die and that we could turn off the machines. She knew that she had to make the decision because none of us could do it. I love her so much and there will not be one day that goes by that I dont feel the loss. But I know her and I know she wouldnt want me to linger to long.

My Place in this world

2009-02-04T14:00:00.000-08:00

I hear people complain every day about how hard the hand they have been dealt is and how they wish their lives were easier. When I hear this I don't hear what they want me to hear what I hear is; I am mad because the choices I have made in my life didn't turn out the way I thought they should and can't I find someone else to do everything for me because I am to immature to deal with my own problems. It is exasperating to be around people like this because all you want to do is scream at the top of your lungs, "STOP BEING SO STUPID AND SELFISH AND GROW UP!!!!" I guess in the last year and a half I have been forced to grow up alot and the time has painted a clear picture to me what is important and what is not. I know I used to be one of those people I am talking about, but I also havent been like that for a long time. I am different now. I want to live my life so I don't have to face a time when I regret making a choice or if I do I want to be able to shrug it off and be ok because I made the choice that caused this outcome. I use to believe that I was no one in the world, a little speck on a huge planet. To an extent I still believe that but I now have a slight inkling that perhaps I am here for a reason. I think when I was searching for my reason for 'being' in the past I always overlooked the obvious. I may not be here to change the entire world or to make millions of dollars but maybe I am here to change my world and to grow as a person. To be able to work through my pride. Who really knows, all I know is that I am happy with the direction my life is heading and coming from me that is something. Anyways I heard a lyric on my way to work this morning and maybe that is what made me think of all of this.

And I hear them saying you'll never change things
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me

Because I have Loved.

2009-02-04T13:58:00.000-08:00

I wrote a poem yesterday about someone I once cared for very deeply. I had tried many times to write something, but the words never seemed right. Then on my way home from being out of town it dawned on me and I finally had the closure I had been waiting for. It was excellent the words started formulating in my head and fell onto the page. So anyways here it is:

Once we traveled that path in the same direction,
the direction that led to love.
I always thought my path would lead to you.
It was the path that changed my life.
I grew up on the way down it with you..
With you by my side, I learned who I was and I learned how to love.
Things changed, the path got steep and the way became to much, we lost each other along the way.
My way became steep and rocky,I fought to get through it.
I continued on my path always believing that it would end with us.
I waited to find you again.
All the while growing into who I have become.
I finally saw you on the same path that we had taken so many times, this time we were both alone.
We were no longer traveling in the same direction, we passed each other both continuing on to places the other had returned from.
We had grown apart and our paths may never cross again, but we will both learn from our path and hold on tighter next time so we don't lose the person we travel with.
From here I will continue on my way with a glimmer in my eye of the past.
I will move on and find the life I am suppose to have.

Today is gone, Tomorrow is forgotten.

2009-02-04T13:56:00.000-08:00

Today is gone, Tomorrow is forgotten. All that's left is the lessons we have learned and the memory of the people we have loved. I thought that today I would write down the biggest lessons I have learned in my life. ( Kind of cheesy but its nice to have a written account that all the stupid shit you've done in the past has lead somewhere good) ok, here goes. . .
1. Love your family, they will be there when no one else is. . .
2. Treat everyone with love and respect, one day you will need to lean on somone.
3. Sometimes people hang on when they should just let go. . .
4. You should never 'read' into a mans actions. They say what they want and if they wanted you, they would say so not hint.
5. Sex is not a contract of intent. It is not guarantee of a relationship or even that the other party has feelings for you.
6. Give the homeless dude a dollar, even if you think he doesnt need it. It will make you feel good.
7. Always trust your intuition.
8. Don't let anyone drive your car you dont know well or trust. (if you dont know why ask me and I will tell you)
9. Take time to work, its the price of success.
10. Always take time to think things over before making any decision.
11. Love with your whole heart
12. Take time to love and be loved. ( As said in Moulin Rouge the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return)
13. Only question people motives when there is a reason to.
14. Trust yourself
15. Take time to be friendly, it is the road to happiness.
16. There comes a time when everyone needs to grow up and leave the games behind.
17. Don't make excuses for other peoples actions.
18. Don't let people walk all over you.
19. Don't ever compare yourself to others, everyone has flaws and one day someone will love you because of them.
20. You cannot make someone love you.
21. Never let anyone hit you.

Ok so thats enough for one day

Time

2009-02-04T13:55:00.003-08:00

We all think there will be time. Time to accomplish all that we want, time to find the love of our lives, time to be the people we can be proud of, time to travel, time to laugh, but most of all time to live. We live our lives so that at the end of our lives we can finally take the time to live. I see in my own life that I go through life in a haze, always looking to the future for better things. A better life, a better love, just something better. As trite as it sounds I watched a movie the other night, which actually turned out to be a wake up call. As I watched the character on screen minute by minute I began to relate more and more to him. He had fast forwarded through all the fights, all the sickness, and all the sex in his life. So all that he was left with were these moments of clarity when all he wanted was his life back. By the end of the movie he had fast forwarded through the raising of his children, his divorce, his success, his failures, his sicknesses, the death of his parents, and eventually he stopped at his own death. Only to figure out by the end of his life that it wasn't his job title or salary that mattered. It was his life. All of those little things that we would love to fast forward through, the fights, the sickness, all of those make us who we are and culminate into the moments of our lives. How can we know what life truly is about if we have never slowed down to live it? How can we know the tenderness of being in love if we have never opened up to receive it? How can we know comfort when we have skipped the pain? Point being every second of every day is a miracle and every second whether spent in pain or ecstasy is worth living.

Perfection

2009-02-04T13:55:00.001-08:00

Perfection

So, I sit here, as I do everyday. On days like this when work is done and I have nothing better to do, I look up words on dictionary.com. This serves 2 purposes (1) my vocabulary broadens, (2) it takes some of the boredom away. So, the word du jour is Perfection. What is it? Well according to dictionary.com perfection is the state of being without a flaw or defect. Ask anyone and I am pretty sure you wont find one person who considers themselves perfect. Rephrase the question to do you know anyone who is perfect? The responses will drastically change. We, as a society, have created an ideal of perfection. An ideal so illusive no one can really reach it. So, question time, what do you view as perfection? Well obviously, this being a blog, you cant answer, so let me. I view perfection as someone who is flawlessly beautiful, smart, funny, honest, wealthy, educated, and skinny. Weird how that works huh!?! I have yet to meet anyone who has all of these qualities. A lot of people strive for perfection; I am not one of them. I find beauty and strength in my flaws. Do I wish often that I had more of these qualities? Of course.

It is amusing for me to see how people are about flaws. No one expects perfection in others, but we expect perfection from our selves. As a matter of fact we view our flaws as inexcusable. Why cant we just see that our imperfections are what actually make us perfect? Who the hell knows what perfection is anyways? I wish as a society we would start promoting perfection from within, instead of perfection from environmental causes or winning the genetic lottery. Because lets face it to be perfect you dont have to have flawless beauty. You dont have to be wealthy or skinny. Perfection comes from within and once we come to peace with who we are, maybe that is the only time we truly become a perfected person. Perfection is an illusion, something no one can truly reach. So lets all tell the world to screw off. Lets prove that we are fine not being perfect. Lets not be apologetic about our flaws. I am happy being me and if people dont like it I am done caring. I am not going to apologize for speaking my mind, I am not going to apologize for living my life for me, and I am not going to apologize for being born with meat on bones. Yep, I am done. I am as God made me and if you dont like it maybe you should take a long hard look at yourself.

Happiness

2009-02-04T13:43:00.000-08:00

I was talking to a friend today and he was saying that things happen in life and even if you love a person, when things are done you have to move on. He continued saying that you have to have faith in the spirit or God whatever you believe to know that things are as they should be. It is hard to accept and sometimes it feels impossible to move on but in the end you have to because you are powerless to change the circumstances.

This is one of my older blogs that I was reading through and it kind of sums up the movement in my life right now. I have had to come face to face with my worst fear recently and it was hard for awhile and there were instances when I didnt think I would allow myself to make it. I was miserable and all I could focus on what I had lost until I came to a cross roads one end was wallowing in misery and dying, at the other changing what needs to be changed and making the motions to become a better person. I chose the later and have chosen to be the person that I know I should be. So read on, if you have already read it re-read it.

I generally consider myself a happy person. But seriously, what does being happy truly mean? Can you define it? I couldn't.

So, I looked it up on dictionary.com and wikipedia. Sooooo here is what they say it is, you ready? Happiness is feeling or showing pleaseure or contentment. WTF!?! Is that vague or what?!? I guess it could just be me or the avenues I took to get the definition. So after obviously not getting my question answered I set out to find a more elborate description. I searched numerous websites, I even resorted to an actual paper dictionary. Do you want to know what I found? The same definition with a variant on the words chosen to define it. After my completely exhaustive 30 minute search I reliqushed to the fact that happiness is not definable. Happiness is like love different for everyone therfore not being set to have one definition.

So I asked a few people what they want out of life two answers were the bulk of everyones responses, happiness and love. Two things that are defined so vaguely and sought out so widely. Two things that could be an illusion because they are so loosely defined. I, personally, think it is a bit difficult to strive for something that cant be defined. Goethe once said, "That which we do not understand we do not possess." I completely agree. How can we want something so completely when we, as a people, really have no idea what it is. To clearify my point a bit, isnt it essential to understand that which we desire?

Anyways as I was saying at the beginning, I now consider myself to be a happy person. I don't know many people who can say the same. I know a couple of weeks ago I couldn't say that. I have come up with a method of happiness for my life. I have no idea if it will fully work or not. I know it probably wont work for others being that we are all different.

Having stated my little disclaimer let me say this, happiness is a decision you make. It is not contingent on anything besides how you choose to feel at any given moment. Nearly everyone I know says how happy they would be if they had this, if they would have done that, or once they get this. The excuses go on and on. To me, it appears these people have set themselves up for the exact opposite of that which the desire.

Abraham Maslow, ( father of psychology) came up with a pyramid of needs and classified them. He once stated, "People will always have needs, some basic some are not." It's like a cycle, once one need is satisfied another will always surface. It is impossible to rid oneself of needs. I have always been a Maslow fan, his outlook has helped me evaluate and understand my own happiness.

In this country so many pride themselves on belongings, we have created a concentration of miserable people. I don't mean to insult, but step back and take a look. I know you will agree. People are so busy striving for the American dream they have forgotten what true happiness. Our country is pretty unique in the fact that we are a society that is indvisualistic. Our goal is personal success above anything else. Teamwork, forget about it. Teamwork means having to share your success with others and we want to be known as the successes. We do this because the competition is fierce and people are ruthless. Everyone is fighting for that same dream and that mentality is in theory the reason so many Americans are unhappy. To me it's one thing to be content about earning a decent salary it is another to basing your entire worth on the amount of your paycheck. The later view brings a viscious cyles because once you attain one goal then another need will surface (back to Maslows theory) and again, you are unhappy until you achieve it.

That is why I believe that happiness cannot and should not depend on material objects or situations. One of my friends once told me that he would be 'happy once he got a promotion.' Why have we put such conditions on something so vital to our existence?I think I have figured it out. We don't want to be happy. Why you ask. Because we continue to complicate our lives instead of simplifying them. Instead of solving our problems we ignore them and add to them.

I am a firm believer that the less you have, the happier you are. ( I know I know, this sounds odd coming from me.) I believe it was Buddha who said that, "The root of all suffering is desire." We want to many things because we dont know the difference between needing something and wanting something. Why do we feel like we need these things? It really is simple. Our society tells us that we NEED these things. Lets face it we live in a materlistic country and because of that we are a slave to system. It occured to me after a tragedy how I was living my life. I was unhappy, I was materialistic, and I was living my life doing what other people wanted me to do. I have made a vow to myself that I am going to do what makes me happy. When we die all we take is the memories and the education we have with us. I have never seen anyone buried with their laptop or their iPod. I want to make sure at the end of my life I have cultivated my mind and have enough memories of the people I love to sustain me through out the eternities.

So, to sum this up, I am happy because I have made the decision to be happy. I woke up one morning and said enough! Enough of dwelling on the past, enough dwelling on what I should be or what I should have. I dont need anything other than my conviction and the people who are important to me to be happy.