Dear Mom,
Its been 3 years that we have celebrated your birthday without you. I miss you and I love you. Things have changed in my life, as they always do. I am trying to live everyday to make you proud and although I know that sometimes I let myself down I hope that I haven't let you down. Everyones ok. There have been a lot of hard and dark days but we have made it through. . .and that is because of you. You raised us to be strong and love each other, and we are and we do. I hope that wherever you are today you know that every single day you are in our thoughts but more so you are in our hearts. Happy Birthday Mommy!
September settled softly
Leaves are starting to fall
I recall, last time you were here
Your laughter a melody that lingers still
There's a hole in my heart
And I carry it wherever I go
Like a treasure that travels with me down every road
There's this longing lonesome and deep
Kind of bitter, kind of sweet
There's a hole in my heart in the shape of you
Time stealing swiftly
Children having children of their own
And around life's merry-go round goes
And there you are wanting what you cannot hold
There's a hole in my heart
And I carry it wherever I go
Like a treasure that travels with me down every road
There's this longing lonesome and deep
Kind of bitter, kind of sweet
There's a hole in my heart in the shape of you
Even though my heart aches
There's a smile on my face
Just like a window to heaven
There's a light shining through
This hole in my heart so I carry it wherever I go
Like a treasure that travels with me down every road
There's this longing lonesome and deep
Kind of bitter, kind of sweet
There's a hole in my heart
There's a hole in my heart
There's a hole in my heart in the shape of you
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Silent No More
"Throughout history, it has been the inaction of those who could have acted; the indifference of those who should have known better; the silence of the voice of justice when it mattered most; that has made it possible for evil to triumph."
-Haile Selassie
Silent. That is what we are taught from a young age to do and be. We are taught to 'mind our own business' and 'not get involved'. Where is the line drawn? Are we to never get involved? We see things. We hear things and yet we remain silent. Our silence is a betrayal. A betrayal to our families. A betrayal to our country. A betrayal to our God. A betrayal to ourselves. We live everyday and ignore the things we should stand up too. Hate, prejudice, and racism are the only things that benefit from our silence.
Let me explain where this is coming from. This morning I heard a lot of buzz about a segment on ABC News called "What Would You Do." The segment sets a scene with actors in a public place to see how people would react. The first one I watched was a gay couple with two kids(all actors) in a restaurant. The couple sat down and the waiter(actor) came over to help them. Instead of doing his job he decided to make inappropriate comments to them like 'here is some fruit for the fruits', 'don't you think your kids need a Mom', 'you shouldn't be out in public', and continued on with horrible comment after horrible comment. Out of 100's of people only 8 said something. . . only 8. Now, I was upset watching this and I got to thinking 'Would I say anything?' and my answer was 'I don't know'. I would like to say that in the heat of the moment my brain and heart would takeover and I would say something but I just didn't know. I watched a few more clips and made the decision in that moment that if I ever witnessed anything that I perceived as inappropriate I would stand up and say something. I found the clips upsetting and it brought me to the point of tearing up.
I continued watching the episode and the next scenario was a mentally challenged boy bagging groceries at a store and a customer(they alternated this actor between races and gender to see the responses). The 'customer' would say things like 'I can't believe I came to the retard line', 'I can't believe they give people like that jobs', 'Your brain is to slow' again just horrid things. By the middle of these clips I was bawling because I knew even though in this case it was actors, that this happens. The good thing is that nearly everyone stood up and said something to the actor.
The next clip, and final clip, I watched was of a overweight woman sitting on a bench near a beach reading a book and a group of 3 skinny girls. The skinny girls approached her and started the normal tirade, 'Oh my god you are so fat', 'how did you let yourself get this way'. 'You're disgusting', 'Fatass', 'Hefer', 'how can you even eat?', and 'don't you own a mirror?' This was a crowded boardwalk and person after person after person just walked right past. Finally one lady stopped and told them to stop and that they were the ones with the problem. Then, of course, cameras come out and the people find out they are on tv. On this particular incident by the time the cameras came out everyone was crying. The 'fat' lady, the 3 skinny girls, and the lady who intervened. The lady who intervened said that she felt horrible for the lady because no one was saying anything or doing anything just continuing on with their lives. The others were all crying because no one cared enough to step in. The 'skinny' girls were disgusted because they HAD to keep going on and on and on until someone stopped them and they said that it got to the point where they were choking out the things because they felt so bad.
It was that final clip that drove the point home for me because I knew it was all true and does happen everyday. When I watched the first two clips I was like, 'this is horrible but no one would ever say these things for real.' I was rationalizing. I rationalized until it came with something that I was familiar with, something I have experienced. Every single word that those girl said to the 'fat' lady were all things that I have heard myself called at some point in my life. Kids are harsh but I can say it would have been nice to have someone advocate for me when names were being hurdled my way. I am going to be this person. The person who doesn't stay quiet when I see injustice.
I will not sit around idly as people are hurt and abused around me. If I see it I am vowing to step in because in this world that is what we need. We need people who are willing to step out of their comfort zones and stand up and say something because it is the right thing to do. Plain and simple. . .it's the right thing to do.
Here are some quotes that I found:
'The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis." -Dante Alighieri
'When I tell the truth, it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it, but for the sake of defending those that do."- William Blake
'Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little.' -edmund Burke
'The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing.' -Albert Einstein
'I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do. What I can do, I should do. And what I should do, by the grace of God, I will do.'- Edward Everett Hale
'A time comes when silence is betrayal.' -Martin Luther King, Jr.
'History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people.' -Martin Luther King, Jr.
'I swore never to be silent whenever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.' -Elie Weisel
-Haile Selassie
Silent. That is what we are taught from a young age to do and be. We are taught to 'mind our own business' and 'not get involved'. Where is the line drawn? Are we to never get involved? We see things. We hear things and yet we remain silent. Our silence is a betrayal. A betrayal to our families. A betrayal to our country. A betrayal to our God. A betrayal to ourselves. We live everyday and ignore the things we should stand up too. Hate, prejudice, and racism are the only things that benefit from our silence.
Let me explain where this is coming from. This morning I heard a lot of buzz about a segment on ABC News called "What Would You Do." The segment sets a scene with actors in a public place to see how people would react. The first one I watched was a gay couple with two kids(all actors) in a restaurant. The couple sat down and the waiter(actor) came over to help them. Instead of doing his job he decided to make inappropriate comments to them like 'here is some fruit for the fruits', 'don't you think your kids need a Mom', 'you shouldn't be out in public', and continued on with horrible comment after horrible comment. Out of 100's of people only 8 said something. . . only 8. Now, I was upset watching this and I got to thinking 'Would I say anything?' and my answer was 'I don't know'. I would like to say that in the heat of the moment my brain and heart would takeover and I would say something but I just didn't know. I watched a few more clips and made the decision in that moment that if I ever witnessed anything that I perceived as inappropriate I would stand up and say something. I found the clips upsetting and it brought me to the point of tearing up.
I continued watching the episode and the next scenario was a mentally challenged boy bagging groceries at a store and a customer(they alternated this actor between races and gender to see the responses). The 'customer' would say things like 'I can't believe I came to the retard line', 'I can't believe they give people like that jobs', 'Your brain is to slow' again just horrid things. By the middle of these clips I was bawling because I knew even though in this case it was actors, that this happens. The good thing is that nearly everyone stood up and said something to the actor.
The next clip, and final clip, I watched was of a overweight woman sitting on a bench near a beach reading a book and a group of 3 skinny girls. The skinny girls approached her and started the normal tirade, 'Oh my god you are so fat', 'how did you let yourself get this way'. 'You're disgusting', 'Fatass', 'Hefer', 'how can you even eat?', and 'don't you own a mirror?' This was a crowded boardwalk and person after person after person just walked right past. Finally one lady stopped and told them to stop and that they were the ones with the problem. Then, of course, cameras come out and the people find out they are on tv. On this particular incident by the time the cameras came out everyone was crying. The 'fat' lady, the 3 skinny girls, and the lady who intervened. The lady who intervened said that she felt horrible for the lady because no one was saying anything or doing anything just continuing on with their lives. The others were all crying because no one cared enough to step in. The 'skinny' girls were disgusted because they HAD to keep going on and on and on until someone stopped them and they said that it got to the point where they were choking out the things because they felt so bad.
It was that final clip that drove the point home for me because I knew it was all true and does happen everyday. When I watched the first two clips I was like, 'this is horrible but no one would ever say these things for real.' I was rationalizing. I rationalized until it came with something that I was familiar with, something I have experienced. Every single word that those girl said to the 'fat' lady were all things that I have heard myself called at some point in my life. Kids are harsh but I can say it would have been nice to have someone advocate for me when names were being hurdled my way. I am going to be this person. The person who doesn't stay quiet when I see injustice.
I will not sit around idly as people are hurt and abused around me. If I see it I am vowing to step in because in this world that is what we need. We need people who are willing to step out of their comfort zones and stand up and say something because it is the right thing to do. Plain and simple. . .it's the right thing to do.
Here are some quotes that I found:
'The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis." -Dante Alighieri
'When I tell the truth, it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it, but for the sake of defending those that do."- William Blake
'Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little.' -edmund Burke
'The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing.' -Albert Einstein
'I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do. What I can do, I should do. And what I should do, by the grace of God, I will do.'- Edward Everett Hale
'A time comes when silence is betrayal.' -Martin Luther King, Jr.
'History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people.' -Martin Luther King, Jr.
'I swore never to be silent whenever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.' -Elie Weisel
Thursday, March 25, 2010
My New Year
So, yesterday I turned 28. . .yeah I know. Now everyone kept asking me if I felt older and the truth was no (who really ever does!?!). Sometime between the presents and dinner I had a profound realization. Now I will mention some of it but I will not go into it completely. I got to thinking how this is a true new year. I had never thought of a birthday like that before, but it is true. Your birthday is the start of a new year in your life. A year that you can make into anything you want, a true new year. After this thought went through my mind it put me into a very reflective mood. I was content, happy, and totally at ease but in the midst of the calm it became apparent about the lies I tell myself. . .the lies we all tell ourselves to make us feel better about who we are and where we are at. The truth is for the first time in a very long time (possibly ever) I felt that I deserved to be loved and I deserve to be happy. I have lived so long with a laundry list of flaws that I used as an excuse, even a justification to be miserable. The fact is that all of the bad I was holding onto was what was weighing me down. So, in fact it wasn't the circumstances or events I was going through that was holding me back it was myself. For so long I have been afraid to voice what I really want because of the fear that if I verbalized it, it most definitely would not happen. Almost like I was being punished for some catastrophic event in a past life, for years I believed my life was a punishment. Instead of getting the lesson I needed I focused on the negative. The fact is every trial, every teardrop, every heartbreak made me strong. Made me the person who sees that I am truly blessed. Today is the first day of my new year and I feel great. I am thankful for being alive. I am thankful for all of the wonderful people in my life. I am thankful for the sun and the air I breathe. I am thankful for you. But most importantly finally after 27 years I can say without sarcasm or doubt, "I am a good person and deserve good things."
Friday, March 19, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
A Change is Coming 'Round
Introduction-
AS my age advances and my days on this earth decrease it has finally sunk in. . .I need a change and I need one now. I am a dreamer and in my head I see my life as I want it to be. . .it wasn't until recently I realized the way I was living my life was 100% interfering with ever accomplishing those dreams I had in my head. I have, for so long, focused on taking care of everyone around me that I forgot about myself. I was raised to always put others before myself, being selfless is a good thing, to a point. It is really hard to understand where I stand unless you have been here. I have, for so many years, taken care of my family. At most times being the main provider. Now, this isn't something I asked for and it is most definitely NOT something I wanted to feel needed. You see the biggest difference is that 'feeling needed' and actually being needed are two completely different things. Any day I would take wanting to 'feel needed' to actually being needed for survival by people you love. I think my biggest problem is that I am loyal. . .yes, it can be a bad thing. I have loyalty to those I love. . .and some that I don't.
The Problem-
To further explain something, I was raised that family is the most important thing in the world. Above friends, work, or anything else, family is number one. I was also taught, possibly to my determent, that when a family member is in need you do everything in your power to help them. Now, I know that the intentions were good and my Parents never could have understood how negative this would be in my life. You see I should love being around ALL of my family, but I don't. There are certain members who I only associate with out of familial obligations. Now, that sentence is the problem. . .familial obligation. Plainly put, I let people take advantage of me. Now, I may not always seem like it but I am, in fact, a bleeding heart. I help everyone who asks for help from me. This, I believe, is a huge personality flaw. I guess when I learned the golden rule I took it to heart. I treat people the way I want to be treated. The problem I find is that a lot of the people in my life don't follow the same rule. They take, take, take and never give. Which is really sad because most of the time a simple 'Thank you' would suffice, but I rarely even get that. Instead of saying 'Thank you' they take the ignore it route. I believe in their thought process that saying thank you would make them admit that they have received help, which some people are to prideful to admit they needed.
The Solution-
I am trimming the fat in my life both metaphorically and literally. I am cutting out the people who are negative and the ingrates. There obviously will be certain people I cannot disregard, family is family, but they will have limited exposure to my life and even less involvement in my life. I am changing myself, because that is part of the problem. I am not going to stay silent anymore. I will speak up for myself and against others if need be. I will no longer be a doormat. The biggest thing is that I will no longer financially help anyone out. This has put me in a horrible position and it is not healthy for me or my future financial success. Now, there is a reason that I used the term trim the fat. . .because literally I am going to trim my fat ass. Yes, I said it. I have gained so much weight. When I look in the mirror I see a stranger. I see someone who seems hollow. The light in my eyes are gone and all that is left is a dull flicker of the person I once was. So, on here for God and everyone to read I am fighting for me. I am fighting for the life I want, because I deserve it. I deserve it. . .I can finally say it. I deserve it. I am worth becoming the person I want to be. You see those two words are hard. . .deserve. . .worth. I deserve it and so do you.
AS my age advances and my days on this earth decrease it has finally sunk in. . .I need a change and I need one now. I am a dreamer and in my head I see my life as I want it to be. . .it wasn't until recently I realized the way I was living my life was 100% interfering with ever accomplishing those dreams I had in my head. I have, for so long, focused on taking care of everyone around me that I forgot about myself. I was raised to always put others before myself, being selfless is a good thing, to a point. It is really hard to understand where I stand unless you have been here. I have, for so many years, taken care of my family. At most times being the main provider. Now, this isn't something I asked for and it is most definitely NOT something I wanted to feel needed. You see the biggest difference is that 'feeling needed' and actually being needed are two completely different things. Any day I would take wanting to 'feel needed' to actually being needed for survival by people you love. I think my biggest problem is that I am loyal. . .yes, it can be a bad thing. I have loyalty to those I love. . .and some that I don't.
The Problem-
To further explain something, I was raised that family is the most important thing in the world. Above friends, work, or anything else, family is number one. I was also taught, possibly to my determent, that when a family member is in need you do everything in your power to help them. Now, I know that the intentions were good and my Parents never could have understood how negative this would be in my life. You see I should love being around ALL of my family, but I don't. There are certain members who I only associate with out of familial obligations. Now, that sentence is the problem. . .familial obligation. Plainly put, I let people take advantage of me. Now, I may not always seem like it but I am, in fact, a bleeding heart. I help everyone who asks for help from me. This, I believe, is a huge personality flaw. I guess when I learned the golden rule I took it to heart. I treat people the way I want to be treated. The problem I find is that a lot of the people in my life don't follow the same rule. They take, take, take and never give. Which is really sad because most of the time a simple 'Thank you' would suffice, but I rarely even get that. Instead of saying 'Thank you' they take the ignore it route. I believe in their thought process that saying thank you would make them admit that they have received help, which some people are to prideful to admit they needed.
The Solution-
I am trimming the fat in my life both metaphorically and literally. I am cutting out the people who are negative and the ingrates. There obviously will be certain people I cannot disregard, family is family, but they will have limited exposure to my life and even less involvement in my life. I am changing myself, because that is part of the problem. I am not going to stay silent anymore. I will speak up for myself and against others if need be. I will no longer be a doormat. The biggest thing is that I will no longer financially help anyone out. This has put me in a horrible position and it is not healthy for me or my future financial success. Now, there is a reason that I used the term trim the fat. . .because literally I am going to trim my fat ass. Yes, I said it. I have gained so much weight. When I look in the mirror I see a stranger. I see someone who seems hollow. The light in my eyes are gone and all that is left is a dull flicker of the person I once was. So, on here for God and everyone to read I am fighting for me. I am fighting for the life I want, because I deserve it. I deserve it. . .I can finally say it. I deserve it. I am worth becoming the person I want to be. You see those two words are hard. . .deserve. . .worth. I deserve it and so do you.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Brand New Day
Some kind of magic
Happens late at night
When the moon smiles down on me
And bathes me in it’s light
I fell asleep beneath you
In the tall blades of grass
When I woke the world was new
I never had to ask
It’s a brand new day
The sun is shinning
It’s a brand new day
For the first time
In such a long long time
I know
I’ll be ok
Most kind of stories
Save the best part for last
Most stories have a hero who finds
You make your past your past
Ya you make your past your past
It’s a brand new day
The sun is shinning
It’s a brand new day
For the first time
In such a long long time
I know
I’ll be ok
This cycle never ends
Gotta fall in order to mend
And it’s a brand new day
It’s a brand new day
For the first time
Inn such a long long time
I know
I’ll be ok
Happens late at night
When the moon smiles down on me
And bathes me in it’s light
I fell asleep beneath you
In the tall blades of grass
When I woke the world was new
I never had to ask
It’s a brand new day
The sun is shinning
It’s a brand new day
For the first time
In such a long long time
I know
I’ll be ok
Most kind of stories
Save the best part for last
Most stories have a hero who finds
You make your past your past
Ya you make your past your past
It’s a brand new day
The sun is shinning
It’s a brand new day
For the first time
In such a long long time
I know
I’ll be ok
This cycle never ends
Gotta fall in order to mend
And it’s a brand new day
It’s a brand new day
For the first time
Inn such a long long time
I know
I’ll be ok
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Forks. . .yes I hear you.
One year ago in April me and my bff ventured out on a road trip up to Washington and Oregon. It was an amazing trip and I fell in love. Washington is such a beautiful place that when it was time to leave I dreaded it. Since the trip Washington, Forks in particular, have always been on my mind. I LOVE Seattle but it didn't have half the pull that Forks ended up having for me. (note: this is not a Twilight thing and Twilight has NOTHING to do with my love for Forks although yes it was the reason we stopped there) From the minute I saw the quaint streets, the beautiful forests, the coast line (La Push) I was sold. Sitting on the porch of a little resort off the Quillayute River I felt a sense of peace. I felt completely at ease. . .happy even. This has since been the place I go back to when I need a 'happy place' Forks is my happy place.
Between work and my personal life in the last 9 years I haven't had a whole lot of peace. . .my life was (and sometimes still is) a stressful mess. So, when I say I was at peace it is a HUGE thing. More than being at peace though, I felt like I was home, only to no home that I have ever known. I normally prefer the hussle and bussle of the big city, but Forks is anything but...it is a tiny city. No fast food restaurants, one grocery store (that also doubles as clothing store), no department stores. No modern conveniences that make life fast and easy, nothing that I had always thought was one of my pre-requisites for living anywhere. When I had to leave I literally felt homesick. . . a feeling that still continues to this day. As crazy as it may sound I feel Forks calling to me. It calls to every fiber of my being and I know I have to go back. Some may not understand why I love it so much and why I have this huge need to go back. . .yes need not want. But the truth of the matter is I don't care if anyone understands because it isn't even something I fully understand myself. Anyways just had to take a few minutes to right this down because the longing was starting to become to much to bottle up.
Between work and my personal life in the last 9 years I haven't had a whole lot of peace. . .my life was (and sometimes still is) a stressful mess. So, when I say I was at peace it is a HUGE thing. More than being at peace though, I felt like I was home, only to no home that I have ever known. I normally prefer the hussle and bussle of the big city, but Forks is anything but...it is a tiny city. No fast food restaurants, one grocery store (that also doubles as clothing store), no department stores. No modern conveniences that make life fast and easy, nothing that I had always thought was one of my pre-requisites for living anywhere. When I had to leave I literally felt homesick. . . a feeling that still continues to this day. As crazy as it may sound I feel Forks calling to me. It calls to every fiber of my being and I know I have to go back. Some may not understand why I love it so much and why I have this huge need to go back. . .yes need not want. But the truth of the matter is I don't care if anyone understands because it isn't even something I fully understand myself. Anyways just had to take a few minutes to right this down because the longing was starting to become to much to bottle up.
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